[ A/N: >_____> never watch The Vow whilst pmsing... that is all. But, yeah, no... I watched The Vow... and then I wrote this... and I dunno... just felt like sharing it... -shrug- Ugh. so full of ANGST and for that I apologize. <_____<]
She sat at her desk, confusion clouding her every thought. Should she write another letter or shouldn’t she? What impact would it have? Would it do good or would if only do harm. She wanted to tell him; she wanted to let him know everything that was happening in her world. She was remembering things, though not everything. She was remembering how her mother used to sing her lullabies... remembering the time her older sister cut her hair because it was longer than hers... remembering the first time that she had ever watched The Lion King... remembering the day her mother first got sick... the day she first got admitted to the hospital... the day she died. She was remembering so much, yet so little. She remembered until the year she was thirteen.
Her last memory consisted of walking down the corridor, books stacked so high up that she could barely see over them. She practically had to waddle to get back to the dorms. It was getting dark and she was worried about getting caught - she hadn’t meant to stay in the library that long, but the books had just been so interesting. She just needed to learn everything! All the knowledge she was consuming was fuel for more; it was like an addiction. Now she just needed to be careful not to get caught or else she’d get a detention and she had yet to get one and wasn’t about to start now. Her school record mattered to her dearly, unlike her idiotic, lovable, crazy brother.
As she waddled on, she hadn’t noticed someone else running along the corridor. They had obviously not seen her either and they accidentally bumped shoulders, causing the huge stack of books she was carrying to fly all of the corridor. This is where her memory got a bit fuzzy again, there was no sound, but she could remember picking up some of the books... getting some help... she couldn’t hear, but she remembered an apology... and then that was it. There was no more. Everything after that was black and painful - the more she tried, the more it hurt. She was straining herself too hard.
She let out a sigh and poised her quill on the parchment. The least she could do was write the letter - that didn’t mean she had to send it; she hadn’t sent any of the other ones. She ran her tongue over her lips, tasting the sweet strawberry lip gloss that her older sister had gotten for her - she used to borrow it from her when she was a child.
I remembered something today. I remembered the way my mother smelled when she would hug me before bed - like warm sugar cookies straight out of the oven. I remembered singing Hakuna Matata and dancing all around the house. I remember my childhood. I still... I still don’t remember you, though, and for that I am sorry. You told me to stop apologizing, didn’t you? I’m sor- I did it again! I guess that’s just who I am, right? At least, that’s what I’m beginning to understand. I just wanted to let you know about my progress I guess. I’m sure you’d want to know, right? Though, maybe this is a bad thing. Maybe I shouldn't do this... maybe I’m holding you back. Maybe this is a mistake. I don’t want to hold you back; I don’t want you to be stuck into the past that was mine... that is something I can’t remember. I don’t want to affect your future. I know I told you all of this, but I can’t help but to continue to feel this way. Don’t let me stand in the way to your happiness. I may never remember anything... I may never remember you ever again and as much as it pains me to say that, it’s what I fear might be the truth. I’m not trying to hurt you... I just want your happiness, even if I don’t remember ever having loved you. You’re still my friend, right? We agreed on that. You’re my friend and I want what is best for you. Forever and always.
-x-
She signed her name. There was a slight sting of tears in her eyes and she reached up in confusion, wiping them away hastily. She couldn't send this, could she? She took in a deep breath and buried her head in her hands. She tugged lightly at her brown hair and wondered what was the right thing to do. Should she send this letter? Should she be selfish and have him keep holding on? “I need to do the right thing,” she whispered to herself. This wasn’t the first letter she had written, but she was seriously contemplating sending it. It would be the right thing to do.
Before she could let her selfishness override her, she stood up and folded the letter. She sealed it and rushed over to her brother’s room, borrowing his owl so that she could send it. Her heart was beating so incredibly fast and the second that owl left the window, she was seemingly regretting it. She couldn’t help but think how hurtful it might be, but she had to, right? She had to do this. She had to. “I don’t want to hold you back.”
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